Emmett Cullen is not allowed to:
1. Spread rumors that the reason why Edward never had a girlfriend before Bella is because he is gay...
2. ...And that he has a crush on Jasper...
3. ...or Carlisle
4. Tell Alice that pink really isn't her color
5. Attempt to juggle with Esme's china
6. Tell Bella that if she jumped from a great height Edward would have to change her
7. Microwave Peeps...
8. ...and leave them in Jasper's favorite book
9. Call Bella's mom and tell her "The baby's doing okay" and that Bella and Edward asked him to be godfather
10. Snap his fingers in 'Z' formation
11. Use the phrase "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease."
12. Snap his fingers in 'Z' formation while using the phrase "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease."
13. In fact, Emmett is not even allowed to think about snapping his fingers in 'Z' formation, saying "Uh-uh. Gir-Rl puh-lease," or doing both at the same time
14. Try and start a nudist colony in a school bathroom...
15. ...and invite the teachers giving him detention/trying to get him to put his clothes back on to join...
16. ...and then tell the Guidance Counselor that Rosalie's hair told him to do it
17. Paint Edward's Volvo tie-dye...
18. ...and then say it was Bella's idea
19. Sing any songs generally associated with Gwen Stefani...
20. ...or Britney Spears
21. Sing "Ninety-nine bottles of grizzly blood on the wall.."
22. Furthermore, he not allowed to sing. Period.
23. Wear a tu-tu and tell everyone to call him Princess Butterfly
24. Liberate (i.e. steal) every pet in town...
25. ...and then sell them back to their owners...
26. ...after shaving them and glueing sequins on them
27. Attempt to turn inanimate objects, such as pieces of fruit, into vampires
28. Claim aforementioned 'vampire fruit' as his army of loyal minions...
29. ...and try to get them to attack Jasper...
30. ...then throw the 'vampire fruit'/army of loyal minions at Jasper when they do not attack
31. Call Carlisle 'Gramps'...
32. ...especially after Carlisle tells him to turn off his crappy music
33. Steal Rosalie's stuffed animals and make X-rated movies with them
34. Steal all of Alice's left socks, fill them with rocks and throw them in a river
35. Run through the school naked with "Momma's boy" written on his chest in whipped cream
36. Make subtle inneundos about Edward's sexual repression
37. Make obvious innuendos about Edward's sexual repression
38. Burst into tears and run from the room crying after wailing "I thought we had something special!" when Bella asks him to pass the salt at lunch
39. Write children's books (examples: 'Fun, Five Letter Words to Know and Share'; 'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'; 'Curious George and the High Voltage Fence')
40. Convince Esme that Home Depot has gone out of business and is closing
41. Wear leather pants (no matter how good he looks in them)
42. Scratch " 3MM3TT K!CK A" onto walls...
43. ...and then deny all knowledge of it
45. Dress up in the school mascot uniform and then tackle Edward and Jasper
46. Dye his hair black, wear glasses,carry around a stick and tell hordes of 4th graders he is the real Harry Potter
47. Change any of his male family member's ringtone to "Barbie Girl"
48. Wear Rosalie's underwear around the house (even if the whole family was watching Rocky Horror Picture Show)
49. Replace all of Edward's CDs with bolonga slices
50. EMMETT CULLEN MUST NEVER EVER TELL ALICE THAT SHE HAS TOO MANY SHOES!
"You think this ought to do it?" Bella asked Edward, as she straightened the list that she had just hung on the wall. She then stood back to stand next to Edward, Carlisle and Alice as they surveyed the list that now hung on the living room wall.
"Maybe for a week." Jasper commented as he walked by.
"What do you mean pink isn't my color?!" Alice exclaimed.
"Well, it isn't." Emmett's voice was heard from the kitchen.
"Don't listen to him, pink is definitely your color, Alice." Bella said, patting Alice on the back as she seethed.
Just then, a loud BAM! was heard from the kitchen. As one, Bella, Edward, Carlisle and Alice slowly turned their heads to see a fist-sized whole in the wall between the living room and the kitchen.
"EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN!" Came Esme's inevitable scream.
Bella took the ball-point pen Carlisle held out for her.
51. Emmett is not allowed to swat flies with a meat tenderizer...
Hope you enjoyed it.